Worship in the midst of pain

At church on Sunday morning a familiar song was played. This song has never really brought forth much emotion from me. Don’t get me wrong, these past few years, worship has been hard. I find myself crying 90% of the Sundays. Songs, lyrics, hit me like never before, and I find myself with tears streaming down my face. But “Oceans” has never hit me, not until Sunday.

As the song played Sunday morning, I tried to sing, but instead all I could do was put my hands at my sides, palms upward, tears streaming down my face, and literally cry out to the Lord. Throughout the song my mind started playing a video, snap shots of the past few years, it was like a movie playing in my head while the lyrics were being sung around me. I didn’t want to watch this movie, I didn’t want to remember the specifics, but it wouldn’t stop playing, as hard as I tried to shut it out.

Being at the appointment hearing those awful words “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat”
Walking through the halls, stoic, getting in my car and vomiting
Collapsing in my father’s arms as we told them the news
Telling our 2.5 year old son, his brother went to Heaven
Not wanting to believe the news, so frantically trying to find the heartbeat all night with Jeff
Going to the hospital the next morning, where they confirmed the news, as the nurse held me as I cried
Afraid to tell people, but knowing I needed to
Flowers – So many flowers – so much anger every time I got another flower delivery
Being induced, all the pain, pushing, silence, and holding our beautiful son for hours afterwards
Taking all the pictures, hand prints, foot prints, kissing his sweet face over and over again, afraid to let go, afraid I wouldn’t remember his face – silly thinking of it now, that face is etched in my mind and soul forever
My milk coming in, sobbing in the shower as I tried to hand pump to relieve the pain – feeling like a cruel joke was played on me – milk, but no child to feed
Watching my husband try to be strong, as he often sat there with no words, and a tear streaked face
Handing Zechariah to my mom and dad to hold
Placing him in his casket and shutting the lid
riding in the elevator with his casket and the guards – saying goodbye to him one last time and walking out of the hospital without our son
listening as my husband called the mortuary, picking up his ashes, planning his memorial service
Being told that because he was 2 days shy of 20 weeks, he wasn’t considered a human – just a fetus
Months and even years of watching my son navigate his own grief and trying to answer all his questions – wondering why his brother is in Heaven, but he is on earth, why does mommy and daddy cry, why is Ezra alive – but Zechariah dead, “mommy are you going to die and go to Heaven”, “mommy, I want to see my brother, I want to go to Heaven with him”, “mommy, please don’t leave me, I don’t want you to die”. questions and fears a 5 year old shouldn’t have to navigate through
Months and years of questioning my own faith, one that shattered the night I held my son
Feeling guilty that I couldn’t protect him from the safest place on earth, and hating myself for that, and if I’m being completely honest, being so incredibly angry with God because of it
Feeling guilty that my body was able to carry my youngest child, despite all the fears from the doctors, but couldn’t keep Zechariah safe
Anger from having to deal with so much fear, when being pregnant again should have been a happy time
The pain of always wanting to have more children, but being told my body can’t handle anymore
Anger and wondering how I can forgive the doctor who refused to listen to my concerns, put them off, and wondering if it would have made a difference
Being deathly afraid that one of my other children is going to die, because now I know and understand how real that feeling and possibility is

As much as I tried to shut the pictures out, they kept coming. You see, I’m still angry, and understanding that I need to forgive not only the doctor, but myself as well. I’m working on trusting in the goodness of God. I’m working on loving myself despite the guilt. I’m learning that there was absolutely nothing I could do to save him. I’m learning that my heart will always feel conflicted, and that is okay. I’m learning church might always be hard for me, but I have to keep going, I have to keep trusting, I have to keep learning, I have to keep looking at the Cross and at the beautiful face of Jesus.

I have to keep that picture of my son fully healed, fully loved, fully full of life running through the fields of Heaven in my heart.

I have to keep loving on other mamas. I have to keep writing notes, even though my heart breaks with each one. I have to keep making boxes and I have to keep delivering them. This isn’t a ministry that I want to be apart of, it isn’t something that feels good. It hurts, it breaks me, I see my husband with tears and a shaking hand as he writes, but it is also so good. In our darkest moment, we knew we were not alone, we knew Jesus was in that hospital room. As we were holding our son’s physical body, we knew that Jesus was sitting right beside us holding a fully healed and restored Zechariah in His arms. I don’t know how other families are able to get through that without that knowledge and truth. I pray that they feel the love of Christ, they feel His presence, and that they cling to Him.

I encourage you to read through the lyrics of Oceans and listen to it in its entirety. The link is below. I encourage you to pray for families who are grieving. I ask that you pray for us, especially as we are coming up on Zechariah’s 3 year Heaven day.

“Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail
And fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed
And You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
And You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

Oh, Jesus, You’re my God!

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

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