Where is God?
Where was God when my baby’s heart stopped beating?
Where was He when my wife and I sat on the hospital bed cradling our son’s body?
These are tough questions that I’ve battled with off and on over the past three years. Sometimes, I’m sure and confident in the reality that He was there walking us through the tragedy we were suffering – and that’s what I tell every father in every card I write.
“He is there, He feels your pain.”
Overall, I believe that but I do have my days and moments of doubt. The day that the doctor said there is no heartbeat, I kept my composure in the office and on the way home, but, I was the one who pushed to go into the hospital Labor and Delivery team to try and prove the doctors wrong.
They confirmed that there was no heartbeat.
Zechariah was gone before he was here. And where was God?
Brianna had been worried at the gender screening appointment we went to, but I was confident that he was fine and God was always there and caring for our baby boy.
I’ve been listening to the book The Shack and yesterday the author confronted his character with Jesus and let him ask where God or Jesus was when his daughter was taken. Jesus said He was right there with her the whole time. In that time, she was more worried about her family than what might happen to her (in that way only a kid can.)
It’s hard to believe and hard to fathom how God or Jesus can sit by us through tragedy, but they do. As I watched my son be birthed – I had a conflicting and confusing sense of joy. Here I was, watching my lifeless son coming into the world, the most tragic time of my life, and I was joyous and struggling not to smile.
I didn’t care about whether or not he had a heartbeat – I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to hold my son! That kind of joy can only come from the comfort and solace of the Lord. Of Jesus being beside you in the room and turning heartbreak in to joy.
Looking back, I wish I could have been more present. I wish I would have taken more time to hold, and look upon, and talk and sing to him. I was too worried about his fragile little body to fully capture our time together. Even so, I sit here smiling and crying in remembrance of it all.
I don’t know what it was like for Zechariah, but I can only imagine it being peaceful. Being surrounded by mommy, listening to her heartbeat, and saying goodbye. With Jesus there in his heart as it stopped.
Now I know many of your are undoubtedly struggling with the concept of a good God sitting there and letting a tragedy like this or any other happen.
I DO NOT HAVE THE ANSWER FOR YOU. Please do not send me hate mail – send it to God; He is big and strong enough to deal with it.
Like the book, I believe this is a part of God’s love and our sin – our selfish desire for personal control.
In counseling I learned the technique to go to a vivid happy place and then imagine Jesus there with you. I’ve been able to take that image and apply it to so many other occasions and am able to look back and see Him there in the moment with us.
So where is God? He’s everywhere at every moment good and bad, bringing joy, peace, and rest.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
If you are hurting, I might recommend The Shack to you. Do not endeavor into this book lightly though – it can be gut wrenching at many different times and in many different ways. You might only spend time reading through Mackenzie’s time at the shack and the interaction with God – that has been very powerful for me.
Remember, it is one man’s interpretation. It may or may not have been divinely inspired. It may or may not help you in your pain. However you react – react towards God. Ask Him for guidance.
There’s no wrong way to do it
There’s no bad time to start
It don’t have to sound pretty
Just tell Him what’s on your heart
‘Cause it’s not a religion
‘Cause it’s more like a friendship
Just talk to your Father
Like you are his kid
Just start talking to Jesus
Just start talking to Jesus
You can talk to Jesus
Oh, whenever you like
Finding Peace after the Storm 
Jeff…your words are profound. Losing a child is, indeed, the most challenging of all tests before us.
One thing I tell people when they learn I lost my oldest son James is, there is a word for a child who loses parents. Orphan. There is a word for a man losing his beloved wife, and a word for a wife losing her beloved husband. Widow/widower. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. The pain and heartbreak cannot be described in a word. Sending loving thoughts and o you and Brianna as you reflect back on that day….. It will live on with you forever. And life has become “before or after” your baby Zechariah died.
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