Joy

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Joy. The saying that joy comes in the morning particularly comes to mind. When I write my cards to mama’s I tend to just write what’s on my heart in the moment. No card is really the same. However I always find myself writing that I pray that they cling to Jesus during this time. I firmly believe it was clinging to Jesus that got me through delivering Zechariah. I knew that choosing to be induced instead of doing a late term abortion would “kill” who I was and would forever change me. There would always be the Brianna before October 29, 2018 and the one after. But, I had to do this. I had to deliver him and I had to hold him in my arms. I knew the silence that would come would always haunt me, and I would never forget his face. But, he was my son and I needed to have him in my arms even if his spirit was already in Heaven. When I delivered him, Jeff and I were just sobbing uncontrollably, but….There was a joy in that room that I cannot explain other than Jesus. The knowledge that He was holding my son in all his goodness while I was holding his body comforted me and gave me a peace that I never felt before. In my darkest moment, my most painful moment…I felt peace, I felt joy, I realized right then and there I could be angry, sad, confused, hurt, devastated, all the feelings and still have joy. Clinging to Jesus, clinging to that joy that only He can give has been the only way I could ever survive this. I was talking to someone the other day. They had a friend who had a similar story. Their friends always say “I don’t know how people can go through this without Jesus”. Such truth right there. I couldn’t do it without Him. My marriage wouldn’t have made it, I would have stayed in my bed like I wanted to, I wouldn’t have been able to be the mom I had to be for my grieving and confused son, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with Ezra’s pregnancy and all the “labels” they threw at us. Clinging to Jesus quite literally saved me. I couldn’t have done it without Him. So if there’s one thing I will always put in my cards, it is that. Encouraging these mamas to cling to the only truth, the only thing that will give them joy, the only thing that will truly get them through this and that is Jesus.