Special Moments

Special moments – when I think of my most special moments in life, many flashbacks come to my mind. Times with friends and family, getting engaged, getting married, finding out I was pregnant, and becoming a mom to name just a few. There are tangible things that are special and reflect these moments. My wedding/anniversary rings, my purity ring that I got at 16 and wore until my wedding day, my bible I had as a teenager where I started journaling and writing all my thoughts like my Grandma Grover taught me, pictures my kids have drawn me, etc.

While thinking of my special moments, I never would think to include Zechariah. I mean he is forever etched in my heart. My second son, my angel baby. I remember everything about his delivery, how he looked, his beautiful face, so peaceful looking, ten fingers and ten toes. He is special in every way. But I couldn’t fathom thinking of his death as something special.

It’s not like he had years to live, dying at old age and we could say he “lived a good life” and now he gets to live forever with the Lord. Death cheated him out of life. Death cheated us out of our son. His death touched us in many ways, but “special” doesn’t seem to be a word I can use.

I don’t talk about how Zechariah’s death affected our oldest son often, nor do I feel the need/desire to go into details. I will say that trauma and grief are real in him and just like adults, they can come and go, and show up in a myriad of ways. His journey is his journey, and we respect and honor that it is his story to share when and if he desires as he gets older. However, I want to share a small piece of his story with you today.

The last couple weeks at school our oldest Luca had a writing assignment about his three most special moments. His top three choices were… 1. Becoming a ninja (lol), 2. getting his toolbox, and 3. his brother going to Heaven.

When asked why he chose his brother going to Heaven, his answer was simple, “Mama, Zechariah gets to be with Jesus every day, and he is always happy up in Heaven!” Such simple, yet powerful words. A thought that I struggle with, because I want him here and not in Heaven. But my six-year-old understands something that is so hard for me as an adult to grasp…. Heaven is where Jesus is, Heaven is wonderful, Heaven is happiness, Heaven is where we should all want to be.

September and October seem to be harder months for me emotionally and spiritually. This September marks 3 years since I was hospitalized with Ezra, just 10 months shy of losing Zechariah. I was in the room right next door to where we delivered him in the same hospital. October is the month that Ezra was in the NICU, and it also holds Zechariah’s Heaven Day. I haven’t cried at church in months, and today as I wiped at my tears, I remembered how heavy September is. But as I drove to visit another Hope Mom in the hospital today, song after song came on and reaffirmed who Jesus is, and I was once again reminded of beauty from ashes. Goodness coming from something that was meant to break me.

I was able to visit and pray for her today. I was able to encourage her and share with her about God’s goodness and his love for her and her child. I was able to pay back what others did for me while I was in the hospital. I was able to be Jesus to someone. I would never be in this ministry if it wasn’t for Zechariah. As much as I wish he was here with us, if his death did anything good, it allowed us to walk alongside those that are grieving, those that are scared, those that need-to-know Jesus is there with them and hasn’t left them. I am honored to be Zechariah’s mom and honored that I get to share in this journey with other hope moms.

In the midst of confusion and turmoil, Jesus was still Jesus. He held Ezra in his arms, just like He held Zechariah in His arms ten months prior. He is the same God that saved and protected me and Ezra that September, who held my son in His arms as we were grieving his loss. He was good in that hospital room when we lost Zechariah and He was good in that hospital room when I was on bed rest and scared of losing Ezra, and He is still good today.

Through loss and grief, Luca has grown in his faith. Luca has a deeper understanding of Heaven and Jesus, and he continues to remind us of God’s goodness. He reminds us that being with Jesus is the ultimate prize.

Sometimes I am so caught up in “this isn’t fair God”, that I forget about how amazing He is. I get caught up in “this should never happen” that I forget about the cross. I get caught up in myself and the “poor me” attitude, that I forget who God is and His promises.

It took my son telling me about his Special Moment for me to realize that giving birth and saying goodbye to Zechariah was indeed a special moment. Zechariah never knew pain, he is currently running through Heaven’s flowers, he gets to hold hands with Jesus, and he is in the most wonderful place where there is only peace and love.